That's a question I never thought I'd say. But it happened. I miss my parents. Notice how its not so much my family but particularily my parents...

I've been reading Molly Moon's Book of Hynotism, which was a book I had initially intended to give to my little sister but as I have not seen her yet, I've been reading it.

I keep reading it and reading it. Only now I admittently know why. Well for starters, I knew it was a way of procrasination, me running away from stress and my fears. But also because what I realized, I relate to her in some ways.

I am scared. Stress and being sick has made me more vulnerable and sensitive. My parents called to check up on me tonight and while I was on the phone with them assuring them I was fine, like yesterday, I wanted to cry and go home and be away from this place. I wanted to leave all this stress and loniness that I was feeling and feel save and protected again. And me crying about it really doesn't help my nasal decongestion.

I miss my parents because of that. Yesterday being diagnosed with strep throat and this confusion and reading up on some of the scary possibilities really scared me. And now I am just really scared I won't do well on my coming tests.

I don't understand statistics very well. I feel so alone because there's no one to help me and teach me how to do it. At least I will have to wait two weeks to get a tutor (after this test is done). My professor not emailing me back and my t.a. being so helpless to me and unresourceful (yes, I do attend all the classes) have left me feeling completely alone.

I have to learn all these concepts myself and the horrific situation is that I still have an anatomy test waiting for me in a few days afterwards.

I am running short and low on time. I've been frustrated and depressed with statistics the entire weekend and with that I should have started anatomy but in this stupid firm belief that I would finish studying for statistics on Monday which did not happen - I am now in this situation...

I have somewhat lost my motivation to study and towards statistics I was almost willingly to give up. I was going to drop the course, only now I am not going to drop the course and I keep telling myself to try my best on these two tests. To really give it all I got then afterwards, I think this being a good thing has really left me a permanent mark for future study habits and routines.

Still I am scared and I lack reassurance. Help me get through this...*exhales* Help me from feeling so completely alone and deserted. Health - and my weak health - still unable to breathe properly...will have to be a low priority. I'll crash when the weekend comes.

Currently reading: Molly Moon's Incredible Book of Hynotism
Currently feeling: scared

I am finally at the library after much protest of walking out while its raining...

Finally, as it is - my suite is way to noisy for me to get any functional studying done.

I started getting the disgusting taste in my mouth - and now I have the lower stomache pain. The taste in my mouth is either on my tongue or trailing wherever my saliva is because I can't stop tasting it. Even after I am constantly swallowing...

I realized that as soon as I step one foot outside the door my body is heated and warm just as it is right now...not a fever just warmer than usual.

My stomach pain - isn't like a stomache doesn't hurt that much or like that but more like the mid-lower of my stomach is either hollow or blowing up a ballon or some muscle is swirling around slightly bruised.

And as I can't print out all the articles. I'll have to remember to do it later when the computers become free. Unfortunately, no one here is studying anatomy.

Currently listening to: Hilary Duff - Fly
Currently feeling: yuck

From what I am thinking of right now. Of course, I am not a doctor and I didn't get to see all the damage in my throat/lungs/glands.

It still hurts when I blow my nose but not as much. *shrugs*

Okay, I am not getting the medicine. But I still have to be careful cause I may be contagious...still.

I wish there was a day to day dialog of what I can expect so I will know if its normal or not. 

Scared of what? Currently I am scared of a lot of things. I - I can swallow today but yet near the very back of my throat it still feels a little bit like small cuts.

My nose is still runny and stuffy, I have a minor headache, my eyes still hurt as if I cried non-stop, I don't really have an appetite for anything but I am just shoving food in my mouth for the sake of something to do..and not wanting the energy in my body is deteriorate - risk of losing the battle to fight whatever I have.

See but I got it checked. The doctor checked off some symptoms - I have strep throat. But I can swallow...both of my glands (where my neck is) are hurting the left one more so than the right but its minimal.

I don't know if I should get the medication. My 70 dollar medication that's waiting for me to be picked up and paid for. I am going against medical advise aren't I?

Probably.

But I feel...okay I don't feel great but I can swallow - that has to mean something. This has to mean that it was a wrong diagnoses doesn't it? I craved Chinese food yesterday - to be honest, I don't crave it so much right now but - I feel the need to go get it anyways. *shrugs*

I am scared of my coming tests, I am scared of me falling asleep. I still have my undrank Sobe's that I placed in a bottle hopefully still retaining its "air" if not I'll have to get another one. I partially intend to drink that tonight if I need to. 

I've been doing statistics and I think I finally figured out the question that I have been working on. I still have studying to do of course and I still have anatomy to do of course which I am terribly behind it and desperate for notes for.

Ugh. Help me. 

Currently feeling: scared

I came back from my appointment about two hours ago. Almost crying in public...

I got scared. I went to the doctor who finally saw me after two hours of waiting...Then I told him my symptoms - my throat was hurting when I swallowed and my nose killed (hurt along with my ears) with I blew my nose because it was stuffy.

He asked me if I had taken any medication I mentioned the Dequadin, which is a tablet slightly bigger than Tums that you're suppose to dissolve in your mouth to make the sore throat go away - temporarily. I had bought it a little over four hours ago when I thought I didn't have time to go to the doctor and was hoping that I could go on the yellow/red pills of antibiotics that I had went on a few months ago when I really couldn't swallow.

Only this time it was slightly different. I could swallow - better than I could in the summer but it didn't feel like my throat was bruise, it felt like it was cut up all around it so the roof of my mouth where my tonsils were.

At first I didn't even mention that my ears were hurting because my focus was on my throat and the pain I was feeling there. Then when he asked if my ears were hurting I realized they were and he's like yes, they should be and more so on the right one - ear infection.

Which if you ask me is pretty weird. Still I told him about my history over the summer how I got tested for mono and then he's like for procedurally I should test you for it too and took a cotton swap of my throat.

Then I asked him if it was bad that I couldn't write my midterm - if I needed a note or anything. I initially was just thinking of getting a note to prove that I went to the clinic that was all for my statistics assignment. I still intended to do the test on Wednesday.

Then when he's like its not that bad yet, but its bad enough that you can get a note for it. If you'd like one and he wrote instructure for a note - in which I told the nurse I wasn't sure if I wanted one (you would need documentation, forms and to pay a small fee) to get the note so, I said I'll wait till tomorrow. The nurse informed me that it would still be dated today's date but that was a good thing because it's not like I had just gotten sick right on the day of my midterms/tests.

I didn't end up getting my 70 dollars prescription either as their system was down and I would have to pay the entire amount at hand. So I decided to go back tomorrow to get my prescirption. I am going to photocopy my prescription too to paste I don't know in my agenda or something.  It sounds weird but its also pretty scary for me. Like a few months ago when my doctor didn't know what was wrong with me and sent me on this long long walk to the lab to get tested for mono.

Man...my immune system can be so crappy sometimes when I am stressed. Ugh.

I thought about it as first when I was really confused of not knowing what to do and feeling that its a lot of studying I have to do these next couple days that having statistics later may help...well the make ups are always harder and what's worst is that I'll still have to do the test its just that one of the things that is really bothering me now is whether my performance is compromised even more as the result of me being sick.

I mean my marks are bad enough when my health was well - decent. Now that its kind of bailing on me when it counts (as always) I am even more concerned I guess.

Maybe its all psychological, maybe...I am just trying to make excuses for my performance. I don't know..I just wanted him to give me some good cough/cold medicine to get rid of this not to diagnose this as something contangious.

Good thing I am not fully completely exhausted or its more likely to be mono from where and whom I don't even know. I mean - come on? Me dating. Right.

Well I am off to study statistics..now. Ugh. 

It's 8:30 right now. I just remember that this journal blogs all the time on hour ahead because nothing was changed for the daylight's saving time.

I am starting to lose concentration again. Mid-way through the second last chapter I have to read over and study.

I want to finish studying statistics today. It's unfortunate that I didn't get to touch anatomy tonight. Which means this week will be harder and longer. I really have to start heading directly to the library to study but everytime I keep thinking to myself that I should go home to cook to save money.

I am listening to this song on my Ipod and I thought of how this song relates me to sparingly.

Monica - "What Hurts The Most"

Yeah...yeah
Oh...oh...
Oh...
Listen

Boy, it's been a long time
Since the last time I saw you
Feels like nothin' changed
Since we've been together
I must admit that I go crazy for you

And I can see it in your eyes
That there's somethin' you want to say to me
'Cause usually right now
You'll be holdin' on to me
But instead you tell me

Things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me (or just be there)

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took the chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all the love oh, how I'm missing now

I hate that there is someone new
Comin' in and takin' my place
Doin' the things that we used to do
And makin' love to you

And oh, what am I supposed to do
It's killin' me 'cause I want you
And you should have known my love was true
And there's no one else in this world for me but you

But things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
You know things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

I know that I'm the one to blame for losing you, oh, yeah
I really, really wish that I could be happy for you
There's just one thing I need you to do
Don't you touch her like you used to touch me
Don't you love her like you really need me
Don't you love her like you used to love me

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
But things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so

What hurts the most

---

The funny thing is that - slowly over the last couples day it has really sank in and knowing that you (Greg) wasn't there anymore. I began to "move on" and then I hear this song and I almost want to hold on to you again.

 

I still want see you, I am still holding on to something that isn't there. It doesn't hurt as much and I don't cry about it anymore. I just. I want to see you yet at the same time I know for what's best for me, I shouldn't.

 

 

Currently listening to: Monica ft. 112 - Right Here Waiting
Currently reading: Principles of Statistics

[12:08PM] Class just ended. The class I was suppose to go to. I want to go to Sport Psychology but I am scared of my professor seeing me as I am unlucky that way.

I am officially skipping. I gave up. I am suprised I haven't broke down yet. I really hate statistics and to realize that I didn't have to take this route makes me even more upset. I could have been with all my kinesiology friends.

It's interesting isn't it? I love the major I never really anticipated and had no interest in going in - in the first place. Yet the major that made me strive towards med school has suddenly felt useless.

I just finished talking to my sister in asking her what to do because she has been place in similar situations such as mine before and she said to keep trying.

I know - there's so much weight if I drop this course, for one it means that I am even more behind in my credits for kinesiology/program. it would mean that - this year everything that I am working for wouldn't count as much or at all in some cases towards my graduate GPA.

It's really not like me to feel so helpless and actually give up. It's definitely not me to hand in an assignment late or miss class when I know that its really important that I am there. None of this is like me - and I don't wanat this to be the "new" me.

I am going to search for some online statistics textbook and read though those and see if I can gain a better understanding. Then read my own textbook again and try to give this assignment another shot. Maybe I should just start studying? But how do you study for something you're so lost in?

I need help. I was contemplating a tutor but the fact that I'll need a tutor really upsets me because I am paying so much for my tuition and now I am paying even more to do well - to be taught. I am paying for something I should already have. I feel so ripped off.

But I guess that's life. It's not fair. Maybe a tutor will be a present from my parents to me for my birthday. 

 

Currently listening to: Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
Currently feeling: upset

[9:58PM] So its expected to snow tomorrow. I am not sure what my response is - finally?

*shrugs*

I've been making notes for statistics in hope of gaining a better understanding on how to do this assignment and its taking A LOT longer tahn I anticipated. I am also struggling - it's due tomorrow.

Man, I really need to follow through on my "goals" so to speak. 

So as it turns out I am the only one in my social science class that isn't in Society and History major - what I way to feel out of place. I got my essay back too - C+. Aiming for that B is getting a lot harder than I anticipated and this is my final month of prove myself before the exams come rushing in.

I need to take more initiative with my professors to seek help rather than just talk to them but to actually sit down with them to feel like I truly done all that is "possible" and using all my resources. I am going to start going to my math T.A. and my professor whom both I believe confuses me more than clarifies but I am going to try it nonetheless.

I am actually pretty scared about next week. One part of me is relieved that I have somewhat in this way started studying for statistics but then again the amount of chapters I have to cover for anatomy although a short outline - it's actually a short outline of numerous chapters.

---

So today I ended up hanging out with T. I get confused a lot of the times yet I can't help but some of the thoughts still resides in my mind. Some of the things she says is right and predictable in that sense but the way she voices it - is like an I-told-you-so everytime. Last night I tried to voice my concerns indirectly that I wasn't going to judge her and I am not here to be repetitive and say I told you so I am only here to help you to get through this and do what I can as a friend.

The only philosophy goes that if you want a friend a certain way - then you act as that friend. Like if you want someone to be nice to you, you're nice to them and be the person you want to be treated. Including of course, good deads. I know it sounds rather childish but these are some philosophies that I still hold and I don't think I remind myself of them often enough.  

It's one element of a positive outlook. You know what's weird. Your friends are not suppose to judge you, right? Yet they do. T sometimes or often does that. I feel sometimes like she's just lecturing me and as I have said almost like I can't try to learn and be different because she always comments in such a way that everything is so predictable and that I will never change like she knows me.

That day when she kept insisting that I am not like myself really bugged me because I almost wanting to say that she doesn't know who I am all the time. People change. But of course I didn't. It's nor the time or place. When a time comes and when it's right and actually relevant rather than adding another load to everything she has to deal with.

Besides with her unstable relationship (in my opinion) regardless of how she says it's stable - I view it as unstable because they're always aruging although, they have good days. I don't know, in my opinion they argue too much for the relationship to be a functional and effective one yet because they care about each other so much they're both working towards making it better. She even says she's going to change and I don't really have anything to say to that but she knows best becuase she's actually in the relationsihp so I am not one to impose what I believe even though there's many times when I believe they are perhaps better separated.

I guess I just expected that from her but for as far as I have known - I am not a priority on her list but the person there when she wants someone to talk to (which is an element of a good friend) but also at times as the person who fills her void while she waits on her boyfriend. I know this sounds bad but I am not sure right now how else to phrase it. On one hand I know its a good thing because after all I advised her to try to build a life where she's not so dependent on the relationship so that they can both share the same values and have space to miss each other and give each other time to have other lives/priorities like school. In a way she's somewhat doing that through me although all the time she's with me, there's always a mention of her and her boyfriend. *shrugs* Her life is basically this relationship - but perhaps some forms of love comes in this form.

But on the other hand, I resent her for it. Because I am going back to the same phase where I already know what she's going to say and sometimes its refreshing to actually gain understanding rather than pin points of "this is how you are and you know you shouldn't" almost like lectures and just not something I need. But I think that bugs me the most is that I feel almost well strangled and unable to change so in that sense I don't like that.

I am her friend and I should be there for her as oppose to creating other forms of stress or making it seem like she can't turn to me so it's not the time to say anything about this. To be honest I am just advising structual changes in my life to avoid it i.e. not complaining much, not talking about certain topics about me; to avoid hearing things that way I take myself out of being put in a situation to be hearing things that only frustrates me more or upsets me more.

What my cousin said to me really helped to be honest I thought she'd think it was silly and say the logical things I repeated to myself but instead she was so understanding and her thoughts became wisdom that really helped me feel better and less alone. 

Oh yes. The goals:

• head to the library after class to work
• turn off cell phone to work functionally
• construct a study schedule and stick with it
• prepare for extra-curriculars
  
• make a brief time table - reasonable and follow it
• improve test marks in all classes
• take more initiative to improve marks with professional resources

I REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE LIBRARY MORE OFTEN OR FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO STUDY ASIDE FROM MY ROOM. I always think to myself its my suite too why should I, head out in the cold to study aside from distractions that I cause on my own - the remainder of the residence is also a huge factor altogether. I keep thinking I can study here. I can't.

 

Currently listening to: The Ditty Bops - There's a Girl
Currently reading: Principles of Statistics
Currently feeling: slightly frustrated

EVERY ENTRY FROM HERE IS ONE HOUR AHEAD BECAUSE OF THE AUTOMATIC TIME SCHEDULING ON THIS BLOG.