All the names in here have been changed with fictional names (to my liking ) to protect the privacy of others, protect the lives of others...to keep this journal as "exposed" as I can.

For me to feel the free to write everything I feel whatever I feel with no bars. To be used as a form of meditation when lives gets too crazy and everyone around me untrustworthy and empty.

To make me feel less alone in the world where inadvertly things that can go wrong most often usually does. But miracles and silver linings are there - when you look hard enough. REALLY hard.

And where humans can never be satisfied with what they have, because they're too busy wanting what they feel is the "ideal" situation. Where, the guy you like actually has a clue and likes you back, where the hard work at school actually pays off, where tv is just entertainment as oppose to a way to escape the world you live in, where being surrounded by so many friends actually really counts as oppose to you feeling what quite possible maybe the truth that really in the end, you're all alone. 

And of course, to protect and secure the identity of Me.

Happy reading I can't promise my life to be entertaining after all its not soup opera, or reality tv, its just well the real world where happy endings are as far away as humanly possible at this point.

Well I guess I shouldn't have expected it I mean they have so much to do. But they're reading through all the book recommendations. So in actuality, they haven't gotten through all of it and thus, miss my birthday message. I know it was a stupid and childish thing to do and the aftermath of my birthday wasn't and isn't even that great and I by the way wasted my Monday completely as nothing is accomplished.

Or got accomplished. *sigh* I've been saying that a lot lately. I really need to get myself together but I am trying and I am doing the best I can. 

Currently listening to: Mugglecast

I actually woke up around 10 and then I went back to sleep and kept trying to go back to sleep because I was so asleep.

Okay I don't know what's happening anymore, but I appreciate so much my friends trying to get here only now since one of them "the transportation" has fell asleep we're running through some difficulties.

In truth all I want is to eat cake with my friends somewhere. That's pretty much all I want and I am going have to find the cable to clear  

There is 13 minutes till my birthday and I am sitting here alone on the night before my birthday. I never thought that would happen.

When did it turn to matter so much. It didn't - when I had school during it. It didn't when I was at home. Most of all it didn't when I was out celebrating it and doing something with my friends who are rather far away...playing pool at this moment.

I want to fully blame everything on her but I won't because partially I was slightly stubborn. But I wanted her to tell me to come back home. To tell me that she wanted me home. To be there.

Instead she's out with my little sister somewhere without emotion and like she didn't care. Once again I am a victim of wanting affection, attention and adoration from my parents. A bad reliant. A foolish reliant.

Not that all my birthdays have really been that great. Nothing special. Yet it was always something I looked forward to. Today in ten minutes that is - its just another day. Another day I went out with my friends and saw another movie.

I am thankful for them. What's my birthday present to myself? Currently, its just me signing up for tons of different blog sites and testing them out.

As of now - Tabulas is still the one with the best features, user-friendliness and nicest interface.

However, I find that it is perhaps more difficult to code here and the inability to have a small software that logs me in automatically and allows me to make quick posts is really something I wanted...above being able to have a nice design. 

I need an image editing software. Something else I lack.

It's weird that I notice so many things today. Next year I'll be busy with perhaps school. Today at this moment, I remember, and notice the song playing and what I am doing. I am typing here till it reaches midnight.

I am rather tired in general and tired of staring at the television. I need Gilmore Girls.

I am going to remember tonight. I am going to remember it just like how I  cried myself to sleep and cried in general secrety on Christmas Eve. 

Happy Birthday to me. Remember that one day when I was so happy and tired that I just didn't write it all down. And now I am - well me and sitting here before you writing it down feeling like crap. I know...its just a birthday its so minicus. It's nothing.

Here goes one more minute.

19 is the loniest number.

Currently listening to: Switchfoot - Playing for Keeps

I am not going home anymore. Can you believe I was looking forward to it? So naive, so stupid. I didn't know any better.

They ruined my Christmas and they're ruining my birthday - might as well take New Year too. *exhales*

I really don't know why I bother with it. So stupid. I am so angry and so frustrated. Everything just comes screaming back to me and I keep thinking - I should have known better. Part of me - is going I told you so. You know something was going to happen, the picture, the anticipation was all too perfect, was all too much to ask for even just a day.

I am pretty structured person I hate when they just break plans but that's not even the driving factor as to why I am no
 

For the last couple hours till now - I am getting tired but I guess my lack of sleep is really catching up to me.

There was so much I intended to do today. Yet none of which I have done.  Well, okay I moderately cleaned up the clothes portion of my room - which isn't really.

I need to clean up...by Thursday too. Somehow I am really unmotivated. Well right now I just can't stop yawning.

I've been browsing all these blog sites over the last couple hours. SO many blog hosts, many which have a similar platform. I went to Livejournal but as common as it is like Xanga - I don't really like the layout.

I like Tabulas' user friendly interface but I am seriously thinking of putting a lot of work into my blogs and many branch it over multiple hosts so if one goes down - the other is up and because through communities, you meet so many people and its just interesting to know what they have to offer.

I have even downloaded some server-side programs that are suppose to manage and organize your blog but I think I might be getting a little ahead of myself considering - I don't understand how to even use these programs yet.

I just really want something - like a layout or something dependable. I want to learn all of this...so I can design it - stick with it and have something my own. A haven. 

Currently listening to: Someday I Will Understand - Britney Spears
Currently feeling: tired

Currently listening to: Mugglecast - Live in NYC
Currently feeling: critical

Common topic these days - being scared. I was very fortunate to be awoken this morning to study and do work as I fell asleep shortly after midnight.

I saw a trailer of Supernatural a show that I've been meaning to watch and it gave me shivers. Technically, truthfully I am sure its not suppose to be scary - not intended maybe enticing and interesting perhaps mysterious but not scarying but just watching that one scene I stopped the trailer...Basically its silence and the two main characters are waiting in the car outside a house and then they see a girl through the window screaming for help.

Perhaps you're more susceptible to being scared when you're kind of cold and lack hours of sleep.

Note to self: not to watch a scary movie when I am stressed or lacking a lot of sleep.

I mean - the window is open in one of my roomate's room so the door sounds like its constantly being closed from the window blowing in and that made me feel uneasy almost like I kind of anticpate someone to jump up and scare me or something.

Thank goodness Halloween has already passed or I'd feel SO uneasy right now. 

Currently reading: Principles of Statistics
Currently feeling: shivering